Words are our clearest form of communication, but often times obscure as much as they reveal.
Legal language tries to correct this by using explicit language and covering every eventuality. But the result is so dry it can be used as sleeping medication. And it still fails often enough to keep civil courts busy.
What really feels best to us is a loose code that the people who are closest to us, who really get us, will understand. As we will understand their shorthand.
This is one reason dog whistles are so powerful. If you pick it up because it was intended for you, the feeling of belonging kicks in.
It is true that nobody experiences EXACTLY what we do as individuals. And that misunderstandings arise when we have different meanings for the same words. Semantics.
So why are the loose and obscuring forms of code, shorthand, and dog whistle be preferred culturally or emotionally?
The very fact that we do experience the world only as an individual, and that we are social animals, creates deep loneliness. When we know someone deeply enough to communicate through shorthand it mitigates the loneliness.
People who grew up with us, were socialized the same way and were enculturated the same way are going to have broad agreement on semantics. They are going to truly speak the same language.
Add in sharing the same formative experiences and the shorthand will stand up. For example, for Americans of my generation, John Lennon carries a whole set of memories and ideas that don’t need to be spelled out.
This happens most often with siblings and close childhood friends. And to those we went through intense times experiences as young adults, such as combat.
With these people we can see something that reminds us both of the exact same thing and both crack up. And we would be correct about the thoughts of the other person.
My sister and I had a code for animal cruelty: “Lions at Ross Zoo”. This referred to a pair of lions at our local zoo, wrongfully executed in 1963. That phrase had a whole set of meanings that both of us understood but no outsider would. That is what this is about. Being an INSIDER, somewhere. And that place is the most comfortable in the world.
When we travel to a place foreign to us we scan for those who speak our native tongue. And if we meet someone who speaks our language and, even better, is from our region, that person will become our new best friend.
In our most intimate relationships, the need for coded language is palpable. We want someone who can accurately finish our sentences even if we don’t want them to always do so.
That is one of the biggest reasons the “consent” crowd fails. The idea is to get verbal consent at each juncture in the sexual process. It sounds reasonable enough.
But I don’t WANT a man asking me “is it OK if I kiss you?”
If you must ask the answer is no. Read the body language! This is one place where it will not fail you. Is your intended recoiling from your touch? Moving your hands off of them? Or leaning in? If you can’t tell, you are not ready to be in the dating pool.
Dog whistles are not nearly as intimate, but they don’t need to be. Nor do broad appeals to belonging in a generation, a race or ethnicity, or a geographical location. Our expressed commonalities satisfy our deepest longings.
And this sense of belonging is fostered by innuendo, not direct speech. If you are truly an insider you will get it. And if you have to ask the answer is no.