Mother’s Day

We Are Not All the Same

In our American culture we fetishize birth but devalue mothers.

Once a year we sentimentalize instead, on a day that was originally an anti-war holiday. The founder of the holiday was of the believe that war could be prevented by mothers because nobody understands the value of life more.

Sadly, she underestimated the patriarchy.

Giving birth is a heroic act. Childbirth is one of the most dangerous things a woman ever does. This is true even in developed countries. Even in the United States.

But this simple fact does not get much airtime. And now, in the post-Roe landscape, I must include forced birth in the calculus.

So, what of this day honoring mothers? If you are one of the lucky ones, a member of an intact family, this is not a problem for you. Enjoy your Eggs Benedict and your chilled Mimosa. Or your lumpen biscuits made by 5 year olds “for Mommy”.

Not everyone is so lucky. We come on several forms. First I will address the women. This day might be painful if:

• You are bereaved, no matter how long ago, how old your child was, or how many other children or grandchildren you have.

• Your child is an addict, mentally ill, or in prison.

• You are estranged, for whatever reason and regardless of fault.

• You are neglected. The kids still speak to you, but seldom and only when it suits them. They forget your birthday and Mother’s Day. If they do show up it is to get a free lunch.

• You feel you were a bad mother and are wracked with guilt.

• You could not have children and wanted them. There is nobody to celebrate your existence and no grandchildren. You have endured years of being shut out of the normal social life of adults with kids, adding to the pain. Mother’s Day is just too much.

• You are childless by choice but still are ambivalent enough to be sad today.

Then there are the motherless children of both sexes:

• You have lost your mother to death, no matter how long ago or what the relationship was like.

• You were under-mothered. Maybe she was absent or had mental health issues. Or was simply not temperamentally suited for motherhood. Which does nothing for a child who needs a mom.

• You are estranged from your mother, regardless of how it happened.

• You had an abusive mother. Maybe you are no contact and maybe you are going to pick her up and buy her a nice brunch. And then listen to a barrage of vitriol and criticism until you can reasonably escape.

If you are one of these people in a situation I noted above, the best course is to avoid going out today, at least not to places where people hang out. Maybe take a walk in the woods or stay home and make yourself a nice meal. It will be over soon enough and the world will be back to denigrating mothers and cutting whatever slim support is offered to make the job easier.

I am in several of these categories. I am an infertile woman who wanted children. An illness robbed me of that and it was never possible ti adopt.

My mother died many years ago and our relationship was fraught. No need to further consider why. Maybe this is why I care about motherhood writ large.

If we, as a society, gave motherhood the honor it deserves, we would not need a sentimental yearly holiday. Instead we would have a powerful support system in place for all mothers. We would have free pre-natal care, free day care, and wellness support from birth to adulthood.

And no woman would ever be forced to give birth against her will. There is a saying, “it takes a village to raise a child”. But in the United States, mothers are lucky to have even extended family. There is no village.

This should come as no surprise. We live with extreme misogyny and a brutal form of capitalism. Both women and children are expendable, unless they are rich.

If this is a hard day for you personally I wish you peace. And for the rest of us, let’s make every day easier for mothers. They are the guardians of the future. Let’s flip the script: get real about birth, but value every mother as if all humanity depended on it. Because it does.