A bit over 8 years ago I moved out to the Taos Mesa. Five years in, the pandemic hit, but my isolation started the day I moved here.
I have been alone 85% of the time since I got here, at least when it comes to members of my own species. My cats have been with me all along. I could not have gotten through these pandemic years without them. Almost all of my contact with people has been online, or very occasionally by phone.
I understand why the guy in Castaway names a soccer ball “Wilson” and goes to great lengths to rescue Wilson from drowning. Our mental health requires contact from other humans. Loneliness is like dry rot. It will destroy you from within if you ignore it. If all you have is a Wilson you must adapt.
It wasn’t just the pandemic. It is the 30 miles of bad road to get into town. It’s the blown out tire and the dead battery. Things don’t always work, out here on the edge.
And the pandemic is still on, even if some people choose to ignore it. I don’t have that luxury. Even if I wanted to go somewhere I would think twice about being around big crowds of unmasked people.
So I remain out here in the big empty. It is a beautiful place, but savage. And also one of the most impoverished in the United States. I am one of the lucky ones, with reliable electricity and running water. This is not a place for the faint of heart.
It has not been all bad. In fact it was just what I needed, if not forever at least for a while.
I have learned how to be alone and where my edges are. My mind is quieter than it has ever been. I live entirely on my terms and to my own inner rhythms. Except for the demands of the blessed felines.
I did not know my own intellectual framework when I got here. I had a framework, and it informed my thoughts and opinions. But I had no name or explanation for my own belief systems.
I did not know I am a humanist or an agnostic. I had no way to deal with mortality, mine or that of others. I didn’t know what I am capable of. I didn’t even know about the my ADHD, which I have written of elsewhere.
Being alone 85% of the time will teach you everything about yourself and quite a bit about the world. I think I am about ready to graduate.
Soon I will return to the world. But it won’t be exactly the same me who came out here 8 years ago. Isolation changes you.
I know I have been isolated. I live in a place with a population density of 2 people per square mile. My greater concern is invisible isolation of millions of my fellow beings.
There have been numerous conditions driving us apart socially and emotionally, and this long before the pandemic shut down.
I have been watching this get worse my whole adult life. A half century. It is tied up with our economic system and with the ongoing ecocide. We all crave community. We need each other and we need the natural world.
But with every passing year we get further divorced from both. I rely on social media because it is all I have. I chose the isolation and am fully aware of the pitfalls. And when I am ready, I can go back to civilization.
But what of the table full of people at a cafe all staring at electronic devices? I have been shushed at cafes for talking to my seat mate, which disturbed the communion of my fellow patrons with their machines.
The addictive machines.
If we are to overcome this, we must treat it like an addiction. Our very survival depends on it.
If you are involved in true community building, or have experienced the kind of isolation that I describe here, please tell your story in the comments.
Thank you for this post. My husband and I continue to be quite isolated due to my health, and it’s not getting any easier knowing Covid is going around again. Sending you virtual appreciation and strength from Western MA.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Although I live with 2 other people, my husband and our best friend, I also crave periods of isolation. For me, I need a balance of both. I think it's important to have some sort of community close by both for socializing and to help each other out when we have problems, which is a natural part of life. I hope you can find or create your ideal situation.