Formality. It can apply to situations and arrangements that are codified and institutionalized, such as education or contracts. It can apply to events such as dinner parties. It can apply to style and design, such as a formal garden or formal attire. It is present in the marking of our life events such as weddings and funerals. And, it is one of the ways we navigate relationships with others, from our family all the way to strangers.
Before the 1960s formality in most of our affairs was the rule, not the exception. The times and places for informality were clearly demarcated. How to behave when out in public or with strangers. Family manners. Things that required complete privacy such as using the bathroom for any purpose.
In the late 1960s I was a 14 year old iconoclast. Like the other members of my generation who were just a few years before me I conflated the European version of formality with oppression, hypocrisy, and brutality.
This was in response to our history of slavery and genocide in the United States. It was in response to sexism and patriarchy. We reasoned as follows: The culture that produced those horrors were extremely formal. Manners were not just highly valued but imposed by society itself. And underneath the veneer was the brutality. All of this was true. but we had mistaken the cause. The true causes are a subject for another essay, but suffice it to say it was not the level of formality as such.
Formal arrangements, events, and codes are not specific to Western culture, and by Western I mean European and North American. Every culture and society in history has had formal systems, some much more arcane than even Regency or Victorian England. In some tribal systems it was necessary to recite you lineage to strangers to see if they were friend or foe. Most other cultures had or still have formal coming of age rituals that have been lost in the west. All had weddings and funerals, and yes, they were formal events. There were codes about proper behavior—what was polite. And there were formal terms of address and naming. As there is in our culture as well.
Nevertheless, my generation has done a bang up job of exorcizing formality and manners where ever they were to be found. Fifty years later we see the results. One cannot have a formal dinner party in most circles anymore. It will be potluck whether one likes it or not. Nobody is allowed to “go to too much trouble”. Nor can we dress up, not even for the opera. I spied ripped leggings at the opera. Because taking some care with your attire is “too much trouble”. Nothing should be distinguished from anything else as being special.
There were other things I missed in my crusade as well. The problem of porn subsuming the sexual mores of our entire society started in the 1960s. It was. supposed to “liberate” us as women. But all it did was remove the boundaries that were in place to protect us. It was impossible to say no even to unwanted sex because that was “uncool” and “uptight”. It wasn’t a loosening of the strings for women enabling us to say yes. But rather keeping us from every saying no. Rape became normalized because if we can’t say no all sex must be consensual. And it wasn’t just women. It was girls. I was 14 when I entered the fray. Peer pressure and shaming are powerful tools. Don’t be “uptight”.
The reason that every culture, including ours had formal system are as follows: First of all it is to smooth over our differences. The first defense against violence is manners, and the second is the court system, which is an entirely formal domain. It is one place where people in general still retain composure and where they still dress formally almost 100% of the time. There is a penalty for breaking these rules that is lacking almost anywhere else.
As an example, we are not supposed to hit other people. The law says so, but it is not always followed. Passions run high. In the old days there were ways to “cut” our enemies socially, such as shunning them. This was an alternative to hitting. If it failed there was a ritualized duel as the next step. A sad bow to our animal nature, but better than a shooting spree.
Second, it is to protect all of us, but especially the vulnerable, from having boundaries crashed. The reason for the use of formal names and titles in our past history is related to this. It preserves privacy and draws a line between those we are intimate with in the old sense of the word, and those we are not. As an example, in a restaurant, we now get the first name of our server and then we often force them to do emotional labor by acting out a friendship that doesn’t really exist.
And sometimes it is reversed, as when a cashier at the grocery store gets your name from your card and says “Annabel—how ya doing today?” forcing me into a conversation I do not wish to have and crashing my boundary. And I know it is not intentional. It is the state of our collective consciousness. I have no objection to a comment like “Hot, isn’t it?” To which I can concur. And I have no objection to saying thank you at the end of the transaction. I just don’t want a personal exchange, which is emotional labor for me.
Third, it demarcates the roles we take in society. Nurses, doctors, law enforcement, emergency services, people in the trades, and even the purveyors of religion of all kinds where uniforms when on duty. This is to let themselves and us know that they are acting formally, and on behalf of something bigger than themselves. This also applies to less proscribed uniforms that are not called uniforms such as a very expensive suit on a lawyer or on an elected official. It is important that we be able to recognize these roles, sometimes immediately. A formal uniform lets us quickly compute a formal role. Even the word for some of these roles indicates formality. We call them officials.
Fourth, formality marks the seasons of our lives. It marks our birth, our marriages, our path through the working world, and in the end, our death. And this seems to be the one function we still readily accept, though we have lost the grace to carry them out in a dignified manner. In the past there were rules about weddings, funerals, visiting a newborn, and almost everything else. Now it is a free for all. And people are getting their feelings hurt. The rise of the bridezilla is an example. I recently read about a woman who planned to charge guests $150 a plate for their dinner at her wedding.
Even the post modern observers of this travesty balked. They knew this was wrong, even if they don’t know what is correct. Then I read about an older non-western culture where every one pitches in to pay for the feast and maybe a home for the new couple. But, there are no toaster ovens or china, and no destination weddings and no buying of new clothes that will not be worn again. I say this to show that it does not matter much what the rules are, just so there are some.
What all of these things have in common is that they act as beacons to navigate our lives and our lesser impulses as human animals. It gives a necessary structure to life. I will admit it. The fourteen year old me was wrong.